My Eperience with Anxiety

I was a bit apprehensive about writing this post but, here goes:

Everyone has different experiences with anxiety.
Sometimes my anxiety consumes me. I become a big ball of anxiety. How do I live my day to day life? That’s a very good question because I suppose I am not living merely existing. And that sucks.
Here is a typical day of existing;
Wake up, usually after hitting the snooze button 10 million times which means that I will be late again. I get ready in a rush and walk to the bus stop. There are three people at the bus stop and I assure you one of them is looking at me weirdly. The bus arrives and I sit at the front and put my bag on the seat next to me to avoid people sitting there. After a couple of stops the bus fills up very quickly and I am forced to move my bag and have a rather large smelly man crush me into the window. Que the first panic attack of the day caused by confinement.
My heart starts to beat so fast it feels like it’s going to leap out of my chest. Then my head starts to bang, worse than any headache I’ve ever experienced. I then to feel like I can’t breathe. I try my hardest to push the breaths out but they just won’t come. After a while my heart starts to slow down and the pain dulls down a little bit but it’s still there. It will always be there.
Once I get into college I feel like everyone is looking at me thinking “Ew look at that fat piece of shit” “What the fuck is that?” “Who would want to be friends with that?” I get to my class and when I enter I feel a thousand eyes on me because I entered late. I sit down and my heart starts to thump, I become breathless even though I took the lift. Second panic attack of the day.
Finally after the torturous lesson we have a break. We go and sit in the locker room but unfortunately the last people I want to see walk in. My old friend and the bitch she replaced me with come and join us. With them comes a flurry of snide remarks, I’ve tried to be nice to them as to not make things awkward for everyone else involved. But I seriously can’t take this anymore. My brain goes fuzzy and all I want to do is scream at the top of my longs for everyone to shut up. Lucky three but not a very lucky me.
I grab my stuff and go and wait downstairs for our next lesson. When we all go in the classroom my so called friends sit down without a seat for me so I decide to sit somewhere else. Out the corner of my eye I can see them gossiping and automatically I think it’s about me.
After college I decide to take the stairs with someone else who is not fond of my so called friends and once at the top one of them rudely pushes past me. Oh well. After they leave I go talk to my other friend and she just comments on how they didn’t say good bye to her and I was like “yeah seems weird” but apparently we weren’t alone. One of them comes in and says “was you talking about me” “I don’t want her talking about me. You smell like a rubbish bin!” All directed at me. After she left I broke down and felt like I wanted to drop out of college. After I got my shit together I went downstairs with my friend to wait for her taxi. Surprise, there they were all waiting by the doors. My heart instantly starts beating and I haven’t even finished the stairs and I already wanted to run up them all over again. We went to sit down when I overheard one of them say “she deserves everything she get” does that mean I deserve a medal for putting up with this shit all day?
Once I get home I finally feel safe but only to repeat it all the next day.

Thank you for reading this. I hope it was insightful for some. Please bear in mind this was wrote on a day when I was feeling extremely down and upset due to anxiety and this was how I felt at the time. Thank you for your ongoing support. Much Love  

The Drugstore Beauty Edit

  •         FOUNDATIONS: Rimmel 25hr Lasting Finish// Revlon Colour Stay

·         CONCEALER: Rimmel Wake Me Up// Collection Lasting Perfection
·         POWDER: Collection Sheer Powder// Rimmel Stay Matte
·         BRONZER: Makeup Revolution Vivid Baked Bronzer// Bourjois Chocolate Bronzer
·         BLUSH: Topshop Cream Blush// Sleek Single Blusher
·         HIGHLIGHTER: MUA Iridescent Gold // Makeup Revolution Highlighter Pallet
·         EYESHADOW: Collection Eyes Uncovered// Primark PS Beauty Eyeshadow Quads
·         EYEBASES: Maybelline Colour Tattoos// MUA Pro Base eye primer
·         MASCARA: Rimmel Wonder Lash Mascara
·         EYELINER: Collection 24 hour felt black eyeliner
·         LIPSTICK: L’Oréal Colour Riche // Rimmel Kate Moss Collection
·         LIPGLOSS: Tanya Burr Lip gloss// Rimmel Apocolips
·         LIPLINERS: MUA Lip liners

·         NAILVARNISH: Rimmel 60 Seconds Dry

Moving Out Series: All The Essentials That You Need! & Guide Prices

Bath Mat £1.20 Ikea EXTRA DÉCOR PIECES 
Toilet Brush £0.45 Ikea
Towel Set £7.50 Argos CUSHIONS £10.00

Saucepans £7.00 Argos THROWS £10.00
Frying Pan £2.50 Argos STORAGE UNIT £50.00
Knife Block £3.99 Argos FLOWERS £5.00
Dinner Set £6.49 Argos CANDLES £5.00
Serving Bowl £1.00 £land BEDSHEETS  £20.00
Wine Glasses £2.00 Ikea INTERNET PORTAL £25.00

Kettle £5.00 Argos TABLE AND CHAIRS  £50.00
Toaster £5.00 Argos £175.00
CorkScrew £1.00 £land
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Vegetable Peeler  £1.00 £land
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Kitchen Bin £6.00 Wilko
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FOTD: First Day At School

Rimmel Fix and Perfect Primer
Rimmel Wake Me Up Concealer 
Rimmel Match Perfection Foundation 

Bourjois Bronzer Duo 
MUA Highlighter in Iridescent Gold
Sleek Contour Kit in Fair
M.A.C Blusher in Crisp Whites

Collection Eyes Uncovered Pallet (Gold)
Maybelline Colour Tattoos in On And On Bronze
Rimmel Wonderfull Mascara 
Collection Extreme Felt Liner
Barry M Eye Crayon 

Collection Lip Liner in Pink Heaven
L'Oreal Colour Riche in Eva's Nude 


Secondary School: My Experience

Hate to start this on a bad note but this is not easy for me to write and to be really honest with you I've had to sensor a lot of things because, I don't mind getting personal, but there is parts where it gets Personal with a capital P. Anyway what my experience taught me there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Lets start at the beginning: Year 7. Okay imagine a lanky girl with a bob wearing a really oversized uniform. Yes Willy Wanker is still fresh in my mind. But my first day/ week is a bit of a blur all I remember is making friends with this girl who, at the time seemed like a great friend, but in hindsight used me and thought that I was vulnerable and an easy friend. At the age and time I thought it would be a great idea to share my BIGGEST SECRET EVER with this girl and needless to say that it spread round the year group like wildfire. I got tormented rotten for it, but at the end of the day I now realise that it was all meaningless and shouldn't have affected me the way it did. Things at home have never been great but school was my kind of release, my safe place, but that was torn away from me all because I trusted the wrong person. This then caused me to start acting up and just being a little shit. By the end of Year 7 I must have been excluded 10 times at least. I was also very friendless because nobody wanted to be friends with the naughty broken kid.

After a summer spent in beautiful Egypt, Year 8 roles around and in retrospect this was probably the best school year. I was doing well in all my subjects, but school wasn't my happy place and nor was home I got confused and anxious. It was also around this time that I met the person who I should probably punch but thank at the same time, I'll call this person Paper for privacy reasons. So naturally Paper new of my secret and at first we were friends but then my moods would just swing and I would be horrible to everyone close to me and that meant that Paper and I were no longer friends. We would have arguments all the time, sometimes physical fights, one of which ended in paper sitting on my. Not only did I get into fights with Paper I also got into a lot, and I mean A LOT of arguments and fights with other people, more so with this one girl, we shall name her Fairy. I was angry and jealous at Fairy for being friends with that girl that I was friends with in year 7, looking back it wasn't Fairy's fault. I was just an angry little kid.

In Year 9, I had even more arguments with Fairy, but coinsidently it was the year that I met one of my bestest friends. The broken kid was fixed. Or so they thought, things at home were just going from bad to worst and that meant that I would lash out more at school. It was my way of releasing all my anger and jealousy. At times I would just become another person. At school I was this loud, angry, aggressive and disruptive kid but at home I was the complete opposite. This is also the year that I got diagnosed with depression.

Year 10 came and this was the worst year of my life, home life and school life. I was just getting into loads of arguments with these girls and butting into arguments that were not even my arguments to have. All this arguing was getting to me and without going into to much detail, things at home were horrendous. I got so depressed that I tried to end my own life. I dont think I will ever be able to explain how bad thing actually were. Just imagine being tied to the floor and having a brick put on you one by one, at first you can handle it but suddenly it all gets to much. Thats when I moved school, I knew the problem wasn't the school it was me. I needed a new start. And so did my family, they moved to the other side of the world. I was alone.

Once I moved school, I became so much happier, was able to come off antidepressants, I reinvented myself. I was no longer that angry naughty girl who picked fights with anything that had a pulse. I was the new girl and nobody knew me. I met the most amazing people and came out with enough qualifications to go and do what I want to do and for once in 5 years my life is looking up.

When I talk to my friend that I made in year nine, it's weird seeing and hearing about yourself from someone elses point of view but then nobody has every really seen it from mine. Nobody really knew the struggles and battles I was fighting everyday. But I can finally see the light