Everyone has different experiences with anxiety.
Sometimes my anxiety consumes me. I become a big ball of
anxiety. How do I live my day to day life? That’s a very good question because
I suppose I am not living merely existing. And that sucks.
Here is a typical day of existing;
Wake up, usually after hitting the snooze button 10 million
times which means that I will be late again. I get ready in a rush and walk to
the bus stop. There are three people at the bus stop and I assure you one of
them is looking at me weirdly. The bus arrives and I sit at the front and put
my bag on the seat next to me to avoid people sitting there. After a couple of
stops the bus fills up very quickly and I am forced to move my bag and have a
rather large smelly man crush me into the window. Que the first panic attack of
the day caused by confinement.
My heart starts to beat so fast it feels like it’s going to
leap out of my chest. Then my head starts to bang, worse than any headache I’ve
ever experienced. I then to feel like I can’t breathe. I try my hardest to push
the breaths out but they just won’t come. After a while my heart starts to slow
down and the pain dulls down a little bit but it’s still there. It will always
be there.
Once I get into college I feel like everyone is looking at
me thinking “Ew look at that fat piece of shit” “What the fuck is that?” “Who
would want to be friends with that?” I get to my class and when I enter I feel
a thousand eyes on me because I entered late. I sit down and my heart starts to
thump, I become breathless even though I took the lift. Second panic attack of
the day.
Finally after the torturous lesson we have a break. We go
and sit in the locker room but unfortunately the last people I want to see walk
in. My old friend and the bitch she replaced me with come and join us. With
them comes a flurry of snide remarks, I’ve tried to be nice to them as to not
make things awkward for everyone else involved. But I seriously can’t take this
anymore. My brain goes fuzzy and all I want to do is scream at the top of my
longs for everyone to shut up. Lucky three but not a very lucky me.
I grab my stuff and go and wait downstairs for our next
lesson. When we all go in the classroom my so called friends sit down without a
seat for me so I decide to sit somewhere else. Out the corner of my eye I can
see them gossiping and automatically I think it’s about me.
After college I decide to take the stairs with someone else
who is not fond of my so called friends and once at the top one of them rudely
pushes past me. Oh well. After they leave I go talk to my other friend and she
just comments on how they didn’t say good bye to her and I was like “yeah seems
weird” but apparently we weren’t alone. One of them comes in and says “was you
talking about me” “I don’t want her talking about me. You smell like a rubbish
bin!” All directed at me. After she left I broke down and felt like I wanted to
drop out of college. After I got my shit together I went downstairs with my
friend to wait for her taxi. Surprise, there they were all waiting by the
doors. My heart instantly starts beating and I haven’t even finished the stairs
and I already wanted to run up them all over again. We went to sit down when I
overheard one of them say “she deserves everything she get” does that mean I
deserve a medal for putting up with this shit all day?
Once I get home I finally feel safe but only to repeat it
all the next day.
Thank you for reading this. I hope it was insightful for
some. Please bear in mind this was wrote on a day when I was feeling extremely
down and upset due to anxiety and this was how I felt at the time. Thank you
for your ongoing support. Much Love
